A Day in the Life
by Sparkpants and Alex
Summary: Having twelve children can take a toll on anyone's sanity. Not to be taken seriously. Actually, probably shouldn't even be read.


Title: A Day in the Life   
Author: Alex. Sparkpants just sat there, giggled, and sometimes offered suggestions.   
Rating: M   
Warnings: Slash of both sexes, mention of Mpreg, genderbending, violence, child abuse, excess use of the F-word, OOC-ness out the ass, innapropriate humor, and general lack of public safety   
Disclaimer: Don't own KHII. Don't own anything in this story except for the sheer amounts of stupidity that every character oozes. 

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Chapter 1   
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There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she did not know what to do.   
In the end, someone suggested slave trade. 

That is where our story begins. 

--- 

Xemnas pulled her favorite dress over her head, the one she'd been given on her birthday that proudly exclaimed that she was "THE BEST MOTHERFUCKING WIFE EVAR". Who had given it to her, she couldn't quite recall, but she figured it came from DiZ due to the fact that it had a three inch hole over the ass area. It was an odd outfit, yes. But it kept her 12 children from fucking with her for the most part. Would YOU tell your mom you'd just scribbled over the walls in crayon if she was wearing a dress with a fuckhole in it? 

No.   
No you fucking wouldn't. Because that's fucked up. At the least, she'd spend the day saying things like "IF I CLEAN IT I'LL RUIN MY DRESS", followed by long and loud descriptions of why the dress was important and what exactly she and your father used it for. 

What, you're saying your parents would never do that to you? 

Well, that's because they don't have 12. Xemnas does what she does because if she didn't, Axel would not be the only one burning things down. 

"'Scuse me," said the modest she-voice of Xemnas. "But I'm not really a girl." 

It matters not. MPreg works if I say it works. 

Anyway. 

Xemnas was getting dressed today ( which yes, was an oddity, because normally she'd stay the entire day in bed drinking aspirin-dissolved-in-absenth and cursing DiZ's potent sperm and the existance of her heathen children ) because today was the Day She'd Been Waiting For. 

Today. After god knows how many years of nursing- 

"I don't have breasts," the modest voice piped up again. 

Perhaps you do. Have you checked recently? 

"Well, no. But I do have a penis and that usually counts for something." 

Not here it doesn't. As I was saying, before a certain Female-Character-Because-I-Said-So rudely interrupted with such silly ramblings as "I don't have woman bits", she'd nursed, bathed and fed those stupid bastard children of Satan for the last time. 

Today, the Goodwill truck was coming. And luckily for her, The End of All Worlds' Goodwill had a used children department ( to which Xemnas had taken several visits to, and had happily observed that said children were kept in cages, rarely fed, and the loud ones AND HOPEFULLY THE ONES THAT SET SHIT ON FUCKING FIRE/AXEL/ got muzzles ). 

Those fuckers were /so/ outta there. 

Xemnas cheerfully completed her outfit with a nice feather-topped hat and marched out of her bedroom. Luxord, one of her children that had gotten his looks from his father, the poor thing, was playing Solitaire in front of her door. 

"Why for art thou playing Solitaire, my son?" 

"The others are making fun of my goatee." The young boy sniffled. 

"It's cause you're four fucking years old, FREAK BAG!" Xemnas shreiked and kicked him out of the way. Cards flew into the air as Luxord hit the wall with a deafening thump. 

"I haven't lost the old lower leg strength," Xemnas cackled under her breath. "CHILDREN, COME TO ME!" 

And so, one by one the 12 fruits of Xemnas's bountiful womb entered the room. They stood in front of her, lined up by age. She took a clipboard from between her ample breasts - 

which yes, she did possess, and I'll have no backtalk about it - 

and went through roll-call. 

"Xigbar, Xaldin, Vexen, Lexaeus, Marluxia, Saix, Axel, Demyx, Zexion, Luxord, Roxas, and..." 

Xemnas paused. She was certain that there was supposed to be another blonde child-thing standing next to the dumb one. And yes, there was another name on her list. Yet when she grabbed Roxas by the head and tossed him over her shoulder to get a better look..! 

No child-thing! 

Perplexing indeed. 

"CHILD-THING!" she cried. "CHILD-THI-wait, lemme see...ah. LARXENE! Who's idea was it to make all of your names so retarded sounding anyway?" 

Her children shrugged. 

"My name's not bad," the red-headed one said. 

"Do you even know what an axel is? It's one-half of a simple machine. You suck so hard you can't even operate on your own. So shut up." 

"That barely makes sense." 

"FUCK YOU I'M YOUR MOTHER!" 

"Where'd my hair color come from then?" 

"I never said I wasn't a whore." 

After that little bit of not-even-close-to-being-witty-banter ended, Xemnas went on calling for the missing child-thing. Honestly, she wouldn't have cared normally, but the Goodwill paid by the dozen. 

And Xemnas was god-DAMNED if she wasn't getting reimbursed for some 20 odd years of personal hell. 

"Hey, I think I see her in the kitchen! She's eating a box of soap flakes." 

Xemnas stomped into the kitchen without bothering to avoid stepping on Roxas in the process. 


End file.
